Those who are best at dialogue turn this logic around. It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress. The first step is to stop believing that others are the source of all our problems. Thus, Start with Heart means to address your motives first, and then make sure they’re visible to others. Once you’ve established good intent it’s important to convey it. Or it may appear as though we wanted to punish our team rather than help them. For example, they may wonder whether we cared more about looking good than finding solutions. The other challenge is that others can often misinterpret our motives when stakes are high and opinions vary. To Start with Heart, you’ll want to do three things:Īs already mentioned, our motives deteriorate before our behavior does, and in crucial moments we often don’t notice this. Get your motives right, better dialogue will follow. In other words, motives influence behavior. Eventually, what we are thinking, feeling, and wanting will impact the conversation. We can quickly go from wanting to learn and understand to wanting to win, be right, and defend ourselves-and usually we don’t even notice it. The first thing that degrades in a Crucial Conversation isn’t our behavior but our motives. To hold a successful Crucial Conversation, we need to Start with Heart. The outcomes of your Crucial Conversations are largely determined by what you do before you even open your mouth.
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